Is this a relationship?

I fell in love with a married addict.  You know this was a dark time in my life without God.

I used an online dating site since I had no idea how else I would meet men.  Please remember, I had stepped away from God.  We were to meet at a coffee shop.  When I met this guy, I’ll call him James, he was preparing his coffee and had bought me one.  He looked at me as I walked in and it was love at first site.  Oh my gosh!  His eyes were beautiful and mesmerizing.  We sat and chatted for a couple of hours and then took the conversation on to a local restaurant.  I didn’t know he was married.  He told me he lived with a female roommate.  I was fine with that. He even invited me to his house and introduced me to his “roommate”.  I even saw that he had his bedroom on one side of the house and hers was on the other.  I will attempt to describe this bizarre set-up briefly.  I don’t remember how I figured out they were married, but when I confronted him, he tried to lie again, but he finally came clean and explained that they were separated and had been for years.  They both have separate lives, but share a dwelling.  I didn’t like this, told him I could not and would not continue with this, and said that either he got a divorce or not.  I wanted so terribly to stay with him.  3 years later, they divorced.  It was difficult, we had many arguments.  No kidding, right!? He finally moved out–of the house he now shared with his ex, only because I insisted.  I still stayed with him!!  (Believe you me, you do NOT have to tell me how idiotic I was/am…) On top of this, he was an alcoholic.  Oh my goodness this had it’s separate issues which I will talk about in another post.  He was not a Christian, obviously.   A silver lining……………..     During these years with James,  I never quite felt right.  He would visit me once a week, and this became twice a month.  A long-distance relationship with the man in the next town, 25 min. away.  We spoke nightly.  Our conversations have now been very superficial.  I purposely keep it that way now.  A few months ago, I made the firm decision that I could not and would not forsake my 1st and primary love-God.  Nothing else in my life would ever work if I didn’t get that relationship right. Now, I keep praying and praying for James and his addiction, and for God to guide me and show me what to do about this “relationship” I am in.  I do not want James hurt.  I know I do not want to be with him in an intimate way again; but, he has a heart of gold.  He is kind, generous, loving, attractive, and sexy.  Most of the things that I want and require  in a man.  Unfortunately, the rest of his details are things that  I cannot or do not want to work with.  His alcoholism, his instability, complete unreliability, non-Christian views and beliefs, etc.  I now have the consequences of what happens when you go away from God.  Thank God He has forgiven me, this undeserving, worthless woman.   I have to spend the rest of my days hoping to make my Father proud.  Once I straighten up my relationship with Him, I might even get a Christian man, preferably a good-looking one (where are they anyway?) lol


About babybear65

I am a Hispanic single woman, born and raised in the military lifestyle. Went on to become a veteran and an Army spouse. Throughout my life I have struggled with relationships, to include the most important, the one with my Father, God. I am currently working as a high school counselor, but am a Licensed Professional Counselor, and studying to take the Addictions Counselor exam for my LCDC. I want to help, encourage, and maybe through my many mistakes, help others, men and women.
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