I fell in love with a married addict. You know this was a dark time in my life without God.
I used an online dating site since I had no idea how else I would meet men. Please remember, I had stepped away from God. We were to meet at a coffee shop. When I met this guy, I’ll call him James, he was preparing his coffee and had bought me one. He looked at me as I walked in and it was love at first site. Oh my gosh! His eyes were beautiful and mesmerizing. We sat and chatted for a couple of hours and then took the conversation on to a local restaurant. I didn’t know he was married. He told me he lived with a female roommate. I was fine with that. He even invited me to his house and introduced me to his “roommate”. I even saw that he had his bedroom on one side of the house and hers was on the other. I will attempt to describe this bizarre set-up briefly. I don’t remember how I figured out they were married, but when I confronted him, he tried to lie again, but he finally came clean and explained that they were separated and had been for years. They both have separate lives, but share a dwelling. I didn’t like this, told him I could not and would not continue with this, and said that either he got a divorce or not. I wanted so terribly to stay with him. 3 years later, they divorced. It was difficult, we had many arguments. No kidding, right!? He finally moved out–of the house he now shared with his ex, only because I insisted. I still stayed with him!! (Believe you me, you do NOT have to tell me how idiotic I was/am…) On top of this, he was an alcoholic. Oh my goodness this had it’s separate issues which I will talk about in another post. He was not a Christian, obviously. A silver lining…………….. During these years with James, I never quite felt right. He would visit me once a week, and this became twice a month. A long-distance relationship with the man in the next town, 25 min. away. We spoke nightly. Our conversations have now been very superficial. I purposely keep it that way now. A few months ago, I made the firm decision that I could not and would not forsake my 1st and primary love-God. Nothing else in my life would ever work if I didn’t get that relationship right. Now, I keep praying and praying for James and his addiction, and for God to guide me and show me what to do about this “relationship” I am in. I do not want James hurt. I know I do not want to be with him in an intimate way again; but, he has a heart of gold. He is kind, generous, loving, attractive, and sexy. Most of the things that I want and require in a man. Unfortunately, the rest of his details are things that I cannot or do not want to work with. His alcoholism, his instability, complete unreliability, non-Christian views and beliefs, etc. I now have the consequences of what happens when you go away from God. Thank God He has forgiven me, this undeserving, worthless woman. I have to spend the rest of my days hoping to make my Father proud. Once I straighten up my relationship with Him, I might even get a Christian man, preferably a good-looking one (where are they anyway?) lol