A few days ago, I explained how I fell in love with a married man. He continuously reassured me of his divorce and the reason why it was pitifully slow was due to her needing to become a US citizen to stay here and reap of some benefits. It wasn’t until a couple of months into the relationship that I started noticing signs of alcoholism. Here we go.
I noticed that every night when I spoke to him, he sounded loud, very happy and talkative. There were many times that he would say things that didn’t make any sense. When I tried to talk to him about his divorce or what I expected he would just yell at me. At times, when we didn’t talk and we texted instead, I noticed that his texts didn’t make sense. Anytime things got difficult, he would blame me, others, or the government. Oh, he also likes to listen to conspiracy theorists! These things would just suck the life and energy out of me. Even after the divorce, when I thought things would be less stressful, his drinking just increased. He could drink a 6pack a night. Whenever I tried to talk about my concerns, he would say he had it under control, liked to drink, and not to talk to him about morality.
Yes, I suspected for a very, very long time that we would not make it. I already knew that he was not the type of man I could ever marry. Because he was kind, funny, fun, and excellent in sex, I kept the relationship as is. As time wore on, however, my feelings just changed. You see, after he gets off of work, he goes and helps his former employer out-because “he’s my friend and I owe him”. (He also has a different view of what a friend is) He will also go and help his former employer on Saturdays. When he gets home, he might take a nap, or whatever it is he does, and then it’s too late to make plans for that evening. This leaves Sunday. This is MY day to do my bible studies, cook, spend time with family or myself, do all those things I don’t have time to day at another time. So, he will see me every couple of weeks by coming over, cooking a meal, and either have sex or not, and leave. As of today, 26 Feb. let’s see….I haven’t seen him since the first week of Jan. I think it may have been the 1st, I don’t recall.
A decision had to be made. I have been trying to work on strengthening my 1st love, my primary relationship. My relationship with God. I know that nothing else will work unless I was good with Him. I have been and am still praying nightly for guidance as to what to do and say to James. I am waiting for that specific guidance from Him. In the meantime, we still have our daily, superficial conversations. I don’t want to say anything wrong. I do not want him hurt. I do want to keep the relationship sort of how it is now…..True friends, without the benefits. Please pray for me.