My mind has been a hodgepodge of nothing but mush for the past couple of months. Maybe few months. I couldn’t even blog because I had no idea how to begin. So I will just start with whatever is on my mind at the time because it just all seems to stem from the same source and having the same effect; thus, the title I came up with.
Our enemy has been busy with me; he’s been busy with you as well, I know. He takes our weaknesses and uses those against us. Lately, he’s been using the pressure and stressors from my job against me, coupled with the circumstances of my widowed boyfriend. I’ve not made the best decisions with regards to my relationships in the past. Consequently, I am single, with no idea if I’ll ever be able to marry again. I consistently make the same stupid mistakes because of my pride. I will even say hurtful things without regard to it’s effects.
My boyfriend believes I am an angel; perfect, loving, caring. My goodness I try to tell him how terrible I am and he won’t have it. Throughout all of this, I do pray daily to my Father in heaven who knows my hardened heart and my thoughts. I pray, no I beg for a change of heart, a different heart and soul. I want to be someone like the person my boyfriend believes me to be. I don’t want to be like I am. Most importantly, I want to , no, I have to stop hurting my Father in heaven.
I pray for help on staying focused on Him. I pray for guidance, yet I stray almost immediately after I’ve left the house. I want to do what is right. I want for people to look at me and see God in me or at least see that I am a nice and caring person- well, I have those qualities.
I cannot determine who I am by a position or by what I have. I must practice seeing myself as a child of the Lord. As His servant. I must begin to see myself as wonderfully and unconditionally loved! Amen! From this belief, my self-esteem will bloom. I imagine then I will also begin to shine more and feel like I am not such an embarrassment to my Father.
Lord, thank you so much for your promises! Thank you for not abandoning me. Thank you for your unconditional and undying love. I have a chance to live in the Promised Land. I accept your promises. I accept your love. I acknowledge I am a terrible sinner and I am nothing without you. I need you. I love you.