How Sin is Separating me from God; Who am I? pt2

Unfortunately, part one is dated Sept. 2016.  I have been unable to share in almost a year.  You see, although I prayed and prayed daily to ensure I was making the right choice about my relationship, my sinful nature got in the way.  Surely I did not listen God; I thought, no I swore He told me Yes!  I was in absolutely the right relationship.  I was deeply in love with who I believed to be THE man I was going to marry. He had my heart and soul.  I would even sacrifice moments with my own daughter to see him!  Since I could only see him on weekends due to our schedules, I lived for the weekends and would let absolutely nothing get in the way of my time with him.  He was a family man.  He loved his daughter,who at that time, wasn’t fond of me.  The feeling was mutual , I’m afraid.  Yes the evil one had dug into me and filled me with pride, jealousy, and I had lost focus on God and what was important.  I didn’t even take my time to allow him to just take things day by day.  I would tell him that I wanted a goal and that my goal was marriage and I wanted some direction for our relationship. I wanted to know something-where was our relationship going?  If He had no intentions of being serious with me, then I wanted to know.  He would never give me any feedback.  He didn’t like to talk about “serious things”.  He wanted none of this.  This apparently frightened him, unbeknownst to me.  He only wanted to “just have fun” and “live for the day”.

Eventually, around the summer of 2017, I  began to notice that he was starting to not contact me as much or we would just not hang out for the whole weekend.  I was fine with it as there were many times that his negativity would just weigh on me.  We took a trip just prior to Labor day weekend.  I didn’t realize it would be the last time we would be together.  We hardly spent any time together in September; I received my license as a counselor, something I have been waiting for years.  He knew how important this was and we had planned on celebrating.  My birthday was also coming up at the end of the month.  Neither events were celebrated.  He finally invited me over at the end of the month.  It was his granddaughter’s birthday.  His daughter hadn’t arrived yet.  We had difficulty speaking.  He said that he thought it’d be best if we would just be friends.  I tried to hold my tears in.  His daughter showed up with his granddaughter.  I left shortly afterwards.  We did hug, and he even would give me mixed messages.  He loved me, but needed time to heal, to find himself, etc.  He even told me it was temporary!  He told me he was here for me and he’d stay in touch….

He never stayed in touch.  Blocked my number.  I found out later that a couple of months later he was in another relationship.  I cried for three months.  I lost 15 lbs and dropped 4-5 pant sizes…..   I cried to God, I prayed.  and prayed and prayed.  By January of 2018, I started to feel better.

My pride and my jealousy got in my way.  My belief that things had to go according to my plan and my time-frame and not God’s, got in my way.  I had never felt rejection or abandonment before.  I had to remember that God will never abandon me.  I’m afraid to get back into another relationship.  However, I do pray each night and just leave it in God’s hands.  I know that He has only excellent things in mind for me; a perfect plan with the best man for me who will want me for me and love me.  I will wait until the right time. Until then, I am busy with my work, my family, and my dog and cat.  pexels-photo-132037.jpeg

 

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About babybear65

I am a Hispanic single woman, born and raised in the military lifestyle. Went on to become a veteran and an Army spouse. Throughout my life I have struggled with relationships, to include the most important, the one with my Father, God. I am currently working on my license as a Professional Counselor, and studying to take the Addictions Counselor exam for my LCDC. I want to help, encourage, and maybe through my many mistakes, help others, men and women.
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